Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about exactly when such qualities got put on the back burner or perhaps shoved out the door.
In the last several weeks, I’ve seen photos of the White House Press Secretary and her friend posing in string bikinis; a photo of Gwyneth Paltrow posing in a garden nude to celebrate her 50th birthday; at least 10 photos of Lauren Sanchez clothed in extremely suggestive outfits, including at formal events such as White House dinners; Jennifer Lopez in sheer see-through garb; Hailey Bieber in what could charitably be described as a bikini; Madonna with rollers in her hair posing half-naked while sitting on a toilet; Sabrina Carpenter’s album cover which depicts her on her hands and knees while a man pulls her hair; and Halle Berry posing naked in bed while drinking a cup of coffee.
Don’t get me wrong, in terms of those women who are older, I think it’s great that so many of them look fantastic. But one can celebrate such great looks in a tasteful and discrete fashion, which can often be even more attractive.
In the past few months, the leader of the free world has called various female reporters little piggy, stupid, horrible, obnoxious, nasty, ugly both inside and out, and more. He has called Somalians garbage. He has called some African countries “shitholes.” He has called immigrants rapists, murderers, and crooks. He has called others “low I.Q. individuals,” and “filthy, dirty, disgusting losers.”
No warm and cozy feelings are emanating from this administration this season. Even Melanias’s holiday decorations, though somewhat less harsh than last time around, don’t smack of inviting. Some “Be Best” themed trees are decorated with bright blue butterflies. No menorahs are in sight anywhere. New York magazine described the vibe as, “Darth Vader surveys progress on the second Death Star.”
Couple that with the far from quietly sophisticated décor that one used to see in the oval office, now overrun with over-the-top glitz and gold, ornate décor, gold figurines–even gold coasters and gold trim on crown moldings. The quiet subtle charm of the “people’s house” is long gone.
According to articles I’ve read recently, people who lack subtlety, class, and sophistication display some of the following behaviors. They constantly interrupt others. They are unkind to service staff. They gossip about others. They lack gratitude. They make fun of others. They brag loudly. And they treat people differently based on their status. Any of this sound familiar?
I find this current mindset extremely depressing. So, why is this happening? What’s going on with all this cruelty, coldness, and lack of discretion?
Sociologists claim that the lack of sophistication and kindness derives from intensified individualism, economic pressures, valuing achievements over character, political polarization, and the isolating effects of technology which lead to decreased empathy, and a focus on self-interest over community. There is also a fear of vulnerability which can lead to less compassion and more rudeness.
So, what can be done to curb some of these traits and replace them with more positive ones that lean towards kindness and empathy, gratitude, and respect, listening more than speaking, and valuing the differences in people?
Here are some suggestions from the experts.
Focus on cultivating intellectual depth—read widely on various subjects which encourages engaging in thoughtful conversations.
Refine your communication skills. After listening carefully, speak thoughtfully and articulately, rather than impulsively.
Pay attention to presentation. Focus on good grooming and appropriate attire for the occasion, rather than shocking and provocative choices of clothing. Maintain poise and a tasteful appearance.
Develop cultural awareness. Study art, music, history, and customs of various cultures, which not only will make you a more interesting person but also help you navigate diverse social situations gracefully.
Mind your manners and etiquette. Learn and practice social graces, demonstrate empathy and consideration for others.
To promote kindness in our society, we can all focus on practicing active listening, offer thoughtful gestures, use courteous language, volunteer, and be generous with our time.
I am heartened when I witness thoughtful people help elderly people cross the street, or carry their groceries, or do an errand for them. These acts of kindness make their days and give them rays of hope for meaningful days to come.
It’s sometimes difficult to set a good example and do the right thing when those at the top of the heap are anything but role models. But I believe it’s just such a time when the rest of us must rise up and become “better angels.”
Let’s not forget that quiet sophistication is about understated elegance, finding strength in silence, and clarity through simplicity. The holiday season is a great time to reflect on these truths and renew our efforts to focus on kindness, empathy, and getting back to basics.
Here are some quotes that promote those traits.
“Simplicity is the keynote of all true elegance.” Coco Chanel
“Silence is the sleep that nourishes wisdom.” Francis Bacon
“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” Leonardo da Vinci
Simplicity. Silence. Sophistication. Some things to think about.
Maria Grant was principal-in-charge of the federal human capital practice of an international consulting firm. While on the Eastern Shore, she focuses on writing, reading, music, bicycling, and nature.
