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July 10, 2025

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Point of View Op-Ed Point of View Opinion

A Christmas Carol 2023 by Maria Wood

December 21, 2023 by Maria Wood Leave a Comment

Charles Dickens was a darn good writer. Imagine reading A Christmas Carol for the first time—wowie! Thrills, chills, suspense, hilarity, and a villain you love to hate, until he becomes a hero you love to love. 

For years, I worked on an ambitious annual stage version of A Christmas Carol at a theatre in New England. Our script was an original adaptation that didn’t mess around with Dickens’ language, omitting just enough to keep the running time reasonable and get us out of any truly impractical special effects. The Ghost of Christmas Past did fly, though, and furniture moved magically, and a gravestone materialized out of thin air at the crucial, climactic moment. 

I knew I was making professional progress as long as I got a better title on Christmas Carol every year. I started as a stagehand, only responsible for moving props and sweeping up glitter during intermission, but I worked my way up the theatre food chain year by year through sound, lights, and stage managing, dozens of performances every December, and probably hundreds of rehearsals, when all was said and done. 

What I’m saying is, Dickens’ text is burned into some of my most deep-seated synapses, never to be erased. No doubt I’ll be muttering Belle’s, Fran’s, and Fred’s speeches from a wheelchair in a shadowy corner years from now, when petty details like my birthday and the name of my first pet have long since faded from my mind (…Another idol has displaced me, and if it can cheer and comfort you in times to come as I would have tried to do, I have no just cause to grieve… Father is ever so much kinder now… a bowl of Smoking Bishop Bob!). The words are rote enough in my mind now that they lose their meaning sometimes, but classics are classics because there’s always something new to be  found in them, if you look for it.

In a nostalgic and Christmassy mood this week, I watched one of the zillions of film versions of A Christmas Carol—the one with Patrick Stewart, magnificent as always, playing Scrooge. It’s easy to forget how good it is, how dazzling and formidable the language, how scary the ghosts, and heartbreaking the losses. And it’s easy to scoff at Dickens’ righteous indignation. Lighten up, dude! We’ve come a long way from coal scuttles and bedcurtains, and workhouses. 

But lo, I fear we have not come so very far at all. Consider the Ghost of Christmas Present, a merry, laughing giant so full of life that living things manifest themselves around him wherever he goes. He’s hiding shameful secrets, though, and his words gave me a new chill this year: 

Two children; wretched, abject, frightful, hideous, miserable… “They are Man’s… and they cling to me, appealing from their fathers. This boy is Ignorance. This girl is Want. Beware them both, and all of their degree, but most of all, beware this boy, for on his brow I see that written which is Doom, unless the writing be erased. Deny it! Slander those who tell it ye! Admit that for your factious purposes, and make it worse! And bide the end!” 

I began to notice a creeping and distinctly uncomfortable sensation in my neck. We have different words now, but The Ghost of Christmas 2023 could make that very same speech. He might call the boy Propaganda, Conspiracy Theories, or Climate Denial. The girl might be Food Insecurity, or Medical Debt, or Refugee. We see them daily on our phones. They’re in detention centers on the southern border of the US. They’re standing in blood-spattered kibbutzim in Israel, and huddling in a landscape of unimaginable devastation in Gaza. They’re in subway station bomb shelters in Ukraine, and floating in the Mediterranean Sea off the coast of Libya. We see them and we ask, Are there no refugee camps? And the asylum systems, are they still in operation? 

The jolly Ghost’s warning is more pressing today than it was 172 years ago. The magnitude of the threats to those clinging, beseeching children has only grown, while our collective wisdom and foresight seems as scant as pre-redemption Scrooge’s. Are we living out the doom that scared Scrooge into mending his ways? Denial, slander, and factiousness still drive political and personal choices large and small, and of course the Ghost was right: they’re tools for avoiding responsibility, and they make it worse. With 2023’s much more global perspective, it feels as if we may not have much longer to bide until the end, be it through climate change, war, or disease.

If we choose take a seasonal Victorian ghost story seriously—which apparently I do—there is hope for us yet, in all the good old cities, towns, and boroughs in the good old world. Scrooge mended his ways. He was intransigent, ignorant, willfully uncaring, and fully committed to being “a tight-fisted hand a the grindstone,” and yet a tiny, invisible ember of imagination and empathy still glowed deep, deep in his core. As he began to recognize that all people share the joy and suffering of being human, that tiny ember brightened and expanded until its light and warmth filled every part of him. He laughed instead of scowled; he gave instead of took; he saved Tiny Tim and he loved his nephew Fred. And he was happier than he’d ever dreamed he could be. 

If Scrooge can give that ember a chance, so can we. The end is not yet here. 

Maria Wood traveled throughout the country as production and tour manager for award-winning musician David Grover, with whom she co-founded a non-profit organization dedicated to enhancing education and fostering positive social change through music and music-making.  She returned to school mid-career, earning a BA in American Studies and a Certificate in Ethnomusicology from Smith College. More recently, she has written and taught on the meaning and impact of the musical Hamilton, served as Deputy Campaign Manager for congressional candidate Jesse Colvin and was Executive Director of Chestertown RiverArts. She lives in a multigenerational human/feline household in Chestertown. 

The Spy Newspapers may periodically employ the assistance of artificial intelligence (AI) to enhance the clarity and accuracy of our content.

Filed Under: Op-Ed, Opinion

The Brrrrridge by Maria Wood

December 6, 2023 by Maria Wood Leave a Comment

This isn’t easy for me to admit: I grew up in Centreville, and I’ve been a confident Bay Bridge driver all my life. Until a year ago, that is, when at the end of a long drive home from another state, I had a sudden, full blown panic attack on the eastbound span late at night. I crept across dangerously slowly, trying desperately to breathe while chanting semi-hysterically, “You can do it, you’re almost there, you can do it.” I didn’t believe a word of it. Along with heart-stoppingly terrified, I felt flabbergasted and bewildered. Where did this come from?? I love bridges, especially this one. The Bay is so pretty! You can see so far! Look at the boats and the birds and the wind on the water! What demon force has frozen the blood in my veins? 

I managed a few crossings with great difficulty over the winter, but in March I found myself stuck on the shoulder of Rte. 50, a few hundred feet east of Exit 32—in other words, just beyond the point of no return. I’d had a head-on collision with a wall of panic far more sturdy than the sketchy guardrails on the bridge. To my great shame and disbelief, I sat frozen in my car all night, utterly paralyzed with the fear. 

After an hour or two, a living breathing saint in the unlikely form of a state trooper stopped to find out what was going on. Officer Kahn extended compassion and empathy as I stammered through an explanation for loitering on the side of the road in the middle of the night. He guided me to a safer parking spot, where I could gather my wits and try to find my way out of my dilemma. 

There I sat for several hours, feeling ridiculous, alternately psyching myself up to do this simple thing that I’ve done thousands of times and knowing without a doubt that if I get up onto that bridge, the side rails will close in and I will definitely die, taking all the other drivers with me.

At sunrise, Officer Kahn even offered to escort me across the bridge before the end of his shift. I convinced myself I could make it if I kept my eyes locked on his taillights and pretended I was on a regular road, but halfway up the dog legged ramp at the beginning of the bridge, I froze, and hit the brakes again. Even my guardian angel looked a little frustrated as he radioed to request a lane closure, and a tow truck. I haven’t attempted the trip since. 

I can still drive myself from Kent Island to the Western Shore without a hitch. It’s the eastbound span that’s the horror show for me: It’s only two lanes wide, it’s got that cursed curve as you head up the incline—and now it’s under construction until at least 2025! So, not only does the ever-changing maze of barrels and reflectors and lane closures add a psychedelic funhouse vibe to the trip, it also triggers insidious questions about those flimsy guardrails, and corrosion, and 1950s building codes. Nighttime is the worst, what with approximately 85 billion reflectors and randomly flashing arrows scattered on the roadway like sequins on prom night, blinding work lights focused directly at your windshield, and impatient tractor trailers in the rearview. 

I can’t live here and not be able to drive home from Annapolis, so I’m bound and determined to overcome the phobia. Luckily, I’m fine as a passenger in either direction— especially armed with with beta blockers to help prevent the panic from breeding more panic. I’ve devised a sort of ad hoc recovery program, diligently catching rides to the Western Shore with trustworthy friends as often as I can, in order to build up a nice big hoard of positive bridge experiences to quell the feedback cycle of fear. 

I think it’s helping. My next step is to find someone willing to loop back and forth across the bridge on some auspicious afternoon as many times as we can stand it. Maybe if it goes well I’ll even try taking the wheel. Or maybe that will wait for another day. I need to conquer it, and I believe I can—otherwise I’ll have to move to a different state. 

As bewildering and shocking as my new terror is for me, I realize that I’m far from alone. In the past, I gave people with the dreaded William Preston Lane Phobia a smugly pitying side-eye and no sympathy, but now that I’ve joined the ranks of the white-knuckled hyperventilators, I find fellow phobics everywhere. Twas ever thus, but Maddie, a young woman who drives people across the bridge for a fee, suspects it’s gotten worse lately. She floated a theory in Christine Tkacik’s bridge phobia story in the Baltimore Banner a few months ago: “A lot of people’s mental health got worse after COVID.” Ain’t that the truth! 

I have no doubt that, for me at least, this shiny new fear is an unexpected side-effect of the pandemic. Maybe I got out of practice at high-intensity driving. Maybe I lost faith in the solidity of realities I’ve always trusted, and the Bay Bridge got swept up in that. Mental health in general, as Maddie notes, has grown shakier for almost everyone. This fact is visible all around us, manifested in different ways and to different degrees for everyone. Maybe bridge fear is just my nervous system’s cute little way of acting out my covid trauma. 

Whatever the reason, it’s a major impediment to life on the Eastern Shore. Growing up in Queen Anne’s County, the bridge represented freedom, options, all the glittering possibilities of a life beyond cornfields and insular small towns. The bridge was the road to excitement: ideas, dreams, culture—shopping! We’re much less isolated over here today, but the constraints of life on this side of the bay are still significant. Access to employment, to health care, to many essentials and conveniences often means crossing the bridge. Even traveling in the wider world often begins with driving over the bay—that’s where the airports are. With public transportation minimal throughout most of Maryland and essentially nonexistent on the Eastern Shore—including services like Uber—if you can’t drive yourself across the Bay Bridge, you’re missing a level of autonomy that most adults take for granted. 

The state used to help anxious drivers across the bridge, a practice I wish they would resume, for people who can’t afford the $40 a pop it costs for a commercial service like Maddie’s. It could be great if there were other low-cost resources to help people overcome bridge anxiety, too. How about classes, and maybe special “anxious driver” events where bridge traffic could be calmed and supervised and 18-wheelers were prohibited, so people could try it in gentler conditions, with rescue drivers available. I also wish there were a ferry, and a train, and regular bus routes across the bay, all of which would be enormously helpful to bridge-phobics, and would help ease the brutal bridge traffic that literally traps people in their homes on Kent Island. 

If one of the world’s scariest bridges is going to be the sole lifeline connecting the two halves of our state, I think we ought to help people get across it. 

The Spy Newspapers may periodically employ the assistance of artificial intelligence (AI) to enhance the clarity and accuracy of our content.

Filed Under: 1 Homepage Slider, Spy Highlights

Human Geographies on the Eastern Shore

September 4, 2023 by Maria Wood Leave a Comment

Before my memory begins, but not really so very long ago, the only way to cross the Chesapeake Bay was in a boat. Even after the first span of the Bay Bridge was built in 1952, a culture of geographical isolation persisted. Even after the second span was added, a trip to the Western Shore was a big, rare, deal in my growing up years in Centreville. As a result, pretty much everyone on the Eastern Shore lived a life deeply rooted in farming and immersed in the world of watermen. Even if you didn’t grow food in the soil or pull it out of the water yourself, blood or business linked you to those who did. Anyone you saw in the post office, be they teachers or bankers or car mechanics, were entwined in the specific geographies of this area in a material, dirt-beneath-your-fingernails, river-water-in-your-ears kind of way. 

The defiant old refrain, “Don’t give a damn ’bout the whole state of Maryland, I’m from the EASTERN SHORE” came from resistance to building the Bay Bridge, and reflected the pride and fierce insistence on retaining a self-sufficient existence entwined in community and developed over centuries. There were two sides to this coin, of course (or more, if you want to get inter-dimensional about it). Self-sufficiency and a deep sense of place and community in the “land of pleasant living” also meant insularity, a lack of opportunities and resources from the outside world, and new ideas coming as fast as molasses going uphill in January, as my mother used to say.

It’s a bit different today. I left, as so many of us do, and returned years later to find that change does come eventually, even here, where the culture and the landscape seem to measure time on an entirely different scale from the outside world. Nowadays, farms and fishing no longer connect the whole of the population to the rhythms of the seasons, the taste of brackish water, and the squidge of mud caked on tractor tires. People can live on one side of the Bay and work on the other. Retirees are drawn here, contributing experience and perspectives from illustrious lives and all kinds of careers in all kinds of places. And of course, a generation of digital nomads can live where they choose while working in industries that weren’t dreamt of, not so very long ago. 

Unequivocally, this is progress. Like all progress, it creates opportunities and uncovers gaps that didn’t previously exist… or hadn’t been recognized. It means things are different for the crop of farmers and custodians of the land who have been coming up into 21st century Eastern Shore life. They have access to resources, ideas, and possibilities unavailable to previous generations—but peers and colleagues are a little harder to find, and the average post office interaction is less apt to include someone who can tell you where to get a water pump for an old 1972 John Deere tractor, or how to navigate the paperwork for the newest USDA farm program, or how to ensure that the farm will still be here for your kids decades from now—that is, if the kids want anything to do with it. 

Enter Next Generation Land Stewards! 

NGLS is a new program under the ShoreRivers umbrella, conceived and created by two ShoreRivers staff members: Agriculture and Outreach Coordinator Laura Wood, and Director of Community Engagement, Darran Tilghman. Laura and Darran were each navigating this 21st century landscape with their families, and knew they couldn’t be the only ones asking the same questions and working through the same challenges. With a healthy dose of the hallmark Eastern Shore mindset of self-sufficiency, they recognized the need and invented a solution. 

Darran and Laura sent out a call for others in similar situations to join an inaugural cohort of up and coming land stewards, assembling a group of active farmers with a variety of interests and specialties, people with non-farm day jobs, and members of upcoming generations preparing for the responsibility of protecting and preserving family farms. With a grant from the National Fish and Wildlife Foundation, they developed a plan for a new program offering support, community, and resources to people working to preserve and protect Eastern Shore land while making them productive, profitable, and joyful for current and future generations. The first year, a pilot, would feature four gatherings where the group would eat together, hear from local experts on relevant topics, learn about each other’s farms and properties, and get to know each other. After the first two convenings, the program is already, without reservation, a raging success.

The first gathering took place on a sparkling late spring evening on the historic Hermitage Farm, beside the Chester River outside of Centreville. Dan Small, a field ecologist and manager of the Natural Lands Project at the Center for Environment and Society spoke and answered questions about how he helps public and private landowners navigate the incentive programs and access available funding to help generate income and support wildlife and clean water by installing wetlands and habitat buffers. Wildly Native Flower Farm in Chestertown hosted the second get-together, on an unbelievably hot morning in July. Liza Goetz led a tour of the farm and answered eager questions about the intricacies of a multi-generational business including grandparents, parents, and adult children participating and living on site. Michael Ports and David Satterfield of the Eastern Shore Land Conservancy led a lively discussion about conservation easements. 

Common themes emerged from the earliest moments of the first event: Love of the natural beauty and native flora and fauna; hope that today’s children will feel as profoundly connected to the place as their parents, and that they’ll be able to make it work on the Eastern Shore if they choose to stay. The struggle to make a small farm a viable business, and the creative approaches people have taken to generate additional revenue, such as Airbnb-ing, events hosting, and other side-businesses—or, indeed, full-time day jobs. The challenges of multi-generational decision-making and maintaining relationships with stakeholders who may be faraway and may or may not understand the joys and miseries of protecting, preserving, and working the land. Concerns about climate change, sea level rise, and market fluctuations.

Connecting the future with the past

Farms and workboats are still iconic elements of Eastern Shore life, but unlike in years gone by, it’s perfectly possible in 2023 to to live outside the daily dirt-beneath-your-fingernails, river-water-in-your-ears experience that was a matter of course until so very recently. The losses and gains of such changes are part of a natural flow; humans have always moved around and explored. What is constant are the impacts: of humans on the land and each other, and of the specificities of environments such as the Eastern Shore on the people who inhabit them. Our lives are enriched in these intersections, and at the same time, what we lose in the process makes us pine for a past that seems to slip away just as we begin to appreciate it. 

Already, Next Generation Land Stewards seems to be charting a course between overcoming the challenges and embracing the possibilities of a forward looking vision. I foresee it becoming an enduring and essential source of information and community for upcoming farmers and custodians of the land as they find ways, in Laura’s words, “to navigate the responsibilities of multigenerational land stewardship,” in community with others who are also caring for the land with an eye on the future while managing it for financial and agricultural success in the present, and preserving the sense of timelessness and singularity that makes it feel so special. 

Laura and Darran are full of visionary ideas for growing Next Generation Land Stewards beyond this initial year. Indeed, based on enthusiastic requests, additional informal get-togethers are in the works for this year to give the the group more chances to connect, share, ask questions, and hang out without agenda. ShoreRivers has already applied for funding to continue the program next year., If all goes well NGLS will become a deeply resourced and ongoing element of the organization’s portfolio, connecting and empowering successive new cohorts of Eastern Shore farmers and land stewards for years to come. 

Maria Wood traveled throughout the country as production and tour manager for award-winning musician David Grover, with whom she co-founded a non-profit organization dedicated to enhancing education and fostering positive social change through music and music-making.  She returned to school mid-career, earning a BA in American Studies and a Certificate in Ethnomusicology from Smith College. More recently, she has written and taught on the meaning and impact of the musical Hamilton, served as Deputy Campaign Manager for congressional candidate Jesse Colvin and was Executive Director of Chestertown RiverArts. She lives in a multigenerational human/feline household in Chestertown. 

The Spy Newspapers may periodically employ the assistance of artificial intelligence (AI) to enhance the clarity and accuracy of our content.

Filed Under: 1 Homepage Slider, Centreville Best, Spy Highlights

Mid-Shore Profiles: From Mr. Wood to Granpa by Maria Wood

July 19, 2023 by Maria Wood 2 Comments

Editor Note: This month the Spy will be launching a Centreville edition to complement its sister educational news portals in Chestertown, Talbot County and Cambridge. In keeping with a tradition of dedicating a Spy newspaper to unique Eastern Shore leaders we have long admired we have selected the late Howard Wood  for that recognition. We asked Maria Wood, Spy columnist and granddaughter of Howard, to share her memories of one of Mid-Shore’s true conservation heroes and and put a well-deserved spotlight to a rare breed of citizenship. The Spy is currently having a startup campaign for the Centreville Spy which can be found here.

Howard Wood was a sailor, an attorney, a humanitarian, a conservationist, an adventurer, and my grandfather, not necessarily in that order. He devoted most of his long life to the Eastern Shore, particularly Queen Anne’s County. From the family farm on the Chester River, and his office six miles away on the corner of Lawyer’s Row in Centreville, he was a champion and steward of the natural beauty and abundance of the land and water, and an advocate, helper, and friend to the communities and people who live here.

A man can go by many names in 91½ years. There were those who called him Howard, but they may have been in the minority. To many, from all walks of life and of all ages, he was “Mr. Wood.” Even today it’s not hard to find people who speak of him with almost disbelieving affection, respect, and delight. Anyone in his family is familiar with the conversation:

“Oh, you’re Mr. Wood’s granddaughter/son/nephew/cousin? Oh yeah, I remember him, he was a good man. This one time, we were…”

…and off they go, telling a story, maybe of how he helped them, or improved something, or, just of a consistent reliability, doing more than required, in his methodical, mild-mannered, lawyerly view of the world. Off the top of my head, I can think of Black watermen, white farmers, skipjack captains, hunters, teachers, and many more with whom I’ve had a version of this conversation. Someday I’ll have it for the last time, but 15 years after Mr. Wood’s death, it’s still going strong. I feel both proud and inadequate every time.

To my grandmother, he was “R,” a mutual nickname they used nearly unfailingly, entirely mysterious to their grandchildren. In my own memory, he was “thee” to his siblings, with whom he followed the old-school Quaker practice of second-person singular pronouns. In possibly history’s politest protest movement, this usage was the early Quakers’ rejection of the second-person plural “you” customarily used to indicate deference to those in a higher social echelon. By the time it was in my grandfather’s lexicon, I think “thee” was somewhere between an endearment and a habit, but the Friends’ stubbornly egalitarian worldview in which it was rooted resonated deeply with the way he treated people and the way he presented himself.

Eventually he was “Dad” to his children, and then “Granpa” to grandchildren and great-grandchildren. One of my favorite memories is arriving at my grandparents house with my infant daughter, the first child in her generation. Granpa threw open the front door, bellowing “WHERE is my GREAT granddaughter?” At 84 years old, arthritic, and with little hearing left, his excitement at meeting the new baby made him perhaps more ebullient than I had ever seen him.

Sailing

At the helm at the end of his sail across the Atlantic, approx. 1982

He loved sailing more than almost anything. He was an original member of Corsica River Yacht Club, whose somewhat scrappy nature suited the Howard Wood ethic of focusing on what mattered. One of his guiding principles was “do what the weather tells you to do.” If the wind is right and the river is calling, don’t let the day go by without getting on a boat—there will be plenty of hot swampy days when the air doesn’t move to tend to bookkeeping or yard work. In his youth, he sailed on his Uncle Harry Wilmer’s sloop Elizabeth, and raced one-designs in regattas around the Chesapeake for decades. With Bill and Norman Grieb, his neighbors from across the river, he sailed on the log canoe Mayflower, exploits that Bill and Howard’s sons recounted just last week on a July 4th sail around Comegys Bight in Howard’s old daysailer.

He crossed the Atlantic Ocean by sail in a grand adventure that was a pinnacle of pride and delight. Maybe even more adventurously, he spent nine months in 1968 sailing down the inland waterway and to the Bahamas with my grandmother and my then-7 year old uncle. His 90th birthday celebration was a sail on the skipjack Elsworth with a crowd of family and friends, courtesy of Captain Andy McCown of Echo Hill. His love of “messing about in boats” lives in his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. If everyone in the family has a little Chester River water in our veins, it’s from him.

Conservation

He’s been fêted for service of organizations and institutions around the bay. A pioneering conservationist on the Eastern Shore, he was a founder of the Queen Anne’s County Conservation Association, the Eastern Shore Land Conservancy, and the Chester River Association, which became one of the legacy organizations for the mighty ShoreRivers. He was a trustee with Maryland Environmental Trust, and in 1987 he was Chesapeake Bay Foundation’s Conservationist of the Year.

He was involved with the Critical Areas Protection Act, which passed in 1984 and remains a significant tool for protecting the bay and its shorelines. In cooperation with the University of Maryland, he made Indiantown a demonstration farm in the 1980s, helping to establish best management practices for water quality protection while incorporating the economic and practical realities of real-life farming.

People

Yet, there was  more to Howard Wood’s contributions than protecting and preserving the land and water. People had to be in the picture as well. For over 42 years in his law practice, he helped people who needed it, without regard to race or class, a not altogether common philosophy at the time. After his (semi-)retirement, his old clients still called on him for assistance. He said “they’re like members of the family.”

During the civil rights movement, he proposed that the Centreville Town Commissioners establish a biracial committee through which Black residents could express what they needed and wanted, and the white executive and legislative officials could, by listening and acting, begin to address the issues and possibly avert the unrest that would rock nearby communities in the years to come. There were surely other factors that kept Centreville relatively peaceful in those years compared with neighboring county seats, but this straightforward, reasonable approach from a community leader may have helped.

In 1992, responding to a severe housing shortage, Howard and Mary Wood established the Spaniard Neck Foundation to raise money for low-interest loans and grants to help with housing related costs. Governor William Schaefer recognized their efforts in 1988 when the  He served on the board of the Kent & Queen Anne’s Hospital, as a director of the Centreville National Bank, on the Maryland state Attorney’s Grievance Commission, and on the vestry of St. Paul’s Church in Centreville.

Personal Connections 

The list of such accomplishments is too long to fully explore here. But in my observation, personal relationships were his most important contributions to the Eastern Shore. That’s why so many people are still excited to talk about what he did for them, and with them, and the way he made them feel. Last week at a 4th of July crab feast, I heard just such a story.

Howard Wood with his great-grandchildren, approx. 2006

It won’t surprise you to learn that high-speed internet was a long time coming to the farm. As recently as 2009, in a quest to do better than dialup, a family member looked into broadband. There was a chance a signal from an old fire tower across the river could do the trick, so two technicians drove out to assess the situation. After a search for a suitable site—close enough to the house, with an unobstructed line of sight, and access to electricity, it was not looking good. There was some discussion of trying the roof, but the guys understandably looked askance at that prospect. During the friendly chitchat as they wrapped up the disappointing housecall, one of the technicians realized where he was.

“Oh, is this Mr. Wood’s place? Oh yeah, I’ve been here before, I remember him. He was a good man. This one time… ”

… and he was off. It emerged that in the days of the Spaniard Neck Foundation, in addition to conveyancing deeds, administering loans, and untold other tasks associated with such an endeavor, Mr. Wood had invited kids from the families the foundation was working with to the farm. He taught them to swim and to row a boat, and if my own childhood is anything to go by, probably got them to pick up some sticks, too. He gave them a good time and made human connections, making manifest his instinctive understanding that conservation means little if the people in this unique place don’t take the time or have the opportunity to commune with the land and the water.

Those warm memories of a childhood day on the farm buoyed the now-grown up internet specialist, and he had a brainstorm. Maybe he could catch that broadband signal after all. A little more testing and fiddling, and he found an auspicious spot on the far edge of the front lawn. Pretty soon, a clip from the David Letterman show was streaming in, at a bit rate beyond dial up wildest dreams. There’s almost nothing about that sentence that my grandfather would have understood, or found relevant, but that’s progress for you, even on the Eastern Shore.

Saving the Bay: People Working for the Future of the Chesapeake, quotes Howard Wood as saying “Part of the Bay is beyond the borders of the stream. It includes the land, forested shorelines, the historic landscapes, a sense of heritage and place, and the connection to the people who live on the land and water. Those may be more important than just straight water-quality issues. Certainly here on the Eastern Shore, along these rivers, in these communities, on these family farms, all of those things tug at our hearts.”

The practical, patient way that he lived that insight is what brings smiles to the faces of those who still remember Mr. Wood with such delight. Because sharing what he loved about this place was almost as important to him as helping people get into safe, clean homes, the splashes of a boy into the Chester River on a hot and sticky summer day rippled through the decades, eventually bringing YouTube to the 11th generation of this family on the old farm beside the river. Those ripples and many others, large and small, endure—a legacy, and an example for the rest of us.

Maria Wood traveled throughout the country as production and tour manager for award-winning musician David Grover, with whom she co-founded a non-profit organization dedicated to enhancing education and fostering positive social change through music and music-making.  She returned to school mid-career, earning a BA in American Studies and a Certificate in Ethnomusicology from Smith College. More recently, she has written and taught on the meaning and impact of the musical Hamilton, served as Deputy Campaign Manager for congressional candidate Jesse Colvin and was Executive Director of Chestertown RiverArts. She lives in a multigenerational human/feline household in Chestertown. 

The Spy Newspapers may periodically employ the assistance of artificial intelligence (AI) to enhance the clarity and accuracy of our content.

Filed Under: 1 Homepage Slider, Centreville Best, Spy Highlights

The Tyranny of False Security, or I apologize to my Neighbors by Maria Wood

June 9, 2023 by Maria Wood Leave a Comment

This is controversial: Maybe it’s time to rethink smoke detectors. Let me explain.

On a rainy evening after a long week not long ago, I had just settled down with a carb-heavy dinner and a soothing British period drama when an ominous chirrup shattered the quiet, and along with it any hope of a cozy tranquil night. OH NO! The pitiless call of a needy smoke alarm awoke a stabbing dread in my heart.

Thoughts of fire or suffocating from an unseen noxious gas never entered my mind. No, a far more terrifying fate was in store. My fears were confirmed moments later by another round of staccato chirps and then, even worse, a mocking silence. I sat in a hypervigilant state, heart pounding, pupils dilated, and nerves on edge, frozen in anticipation of the next aural assault, my sense of time kaleidoscoped by the waiting… the waiting… the waiting…

The moments ticked by, just long enough to con my nervous system into lowering its guard. Just as my pulse normalized and my focus returned to the rugged Yorkshire countryside and my warm, cheesy supper, BAM! As inexorable as death and taxes, three more laryngitic bleeps shrieked into the dark with sadistic glee and quieted before I could begin to suss out their point of origin. The source was almost certainly not where it belonged on the ceiling of a hall or bedroom inside the warm, dry house, where I could deal with it in good lighting. Oh no, this hazing ritual would have no such easy fix. How could I be so sure, you ask? Easy: our smoke detectors had long since been hastily dislocated from their proper locations, in incidents involving things like bacon or the fireplace flue.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not comfortable going commando vis a vis smoke detectors. Sparky the Fire Dog is embedded in my earliest neural pathways, so I’m fully aware it’s only a matter of time before we’re engulfed in flames. But life is to be lived, at least until the inferno, and this old world is stressful enough without earsplitting false alarms at breakfast time. Of course we had ripped the smoke detectors from the ceiling at some point, tossing them onto the porch, where the fresh air would make them Shut Up Already. Do I feel good about it? No. Has life been more peaceful since? It absolutely has.

A jilted smoke detector harbors a stunning level of narcissistic cruelty, expressed in a charming safety mechanism, used to demand attention when its battery is dying or it’s otherwise not in good working order. The system is, whenever a unit randomly decides it’s lonely, it emits a triplet of shrill, unignorable BLIPS, like an attention-seeking toddler chanting “Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. MomMomMom. Mom.” Only unlike a toddler, after those three cute but ear-splitting blips, it waits with malicious delight as you stare dumbly at the shards of your peace of mind scattered at your feet. Each chirp is just a fraction of a second long. The ear has no hope of identifying a location. The silent lull that follows is fiendishly timed to last just a few moments more than a human attention span. It’s kind of like playing a really slow game of Hot and Cold, but the only clue is “cold.” Ironically. It’s a system designed for torment.

So it’s a cold and rainy night, dark as a coal mine, and that alarm is getting its revenge. Frantically problem-solving, I get the brilliant idea to time the silent interval, so my echolocation powers can be at the ready for the next set of chirps. This strategy is successful as far as it goes, but it really just confirms that the device is indeed somewhere in the depths of the dark porch. When I try to home in on it, the sound just bounces around, sending me on a series of wild goose chases into damp and cobwebby corners.

“Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!” Move to the other side of the porch. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Shiver. Cold droplets on my neck. Stare at the stopwatch. Wait. Ok… almost time… get ready… Ears on alert. NOW! “Chirp! Chirp! Chirp!” Dammit, it doesn’t sound any closer! Where is it coming from? It’s everywhere! Maybe in this damp cardboard box? Nope, just ancient weatherstripping and a socket wrench in there. Ugh. Ok, three steps in this direction. Wait. Wait. Shiver…

It’s quickly clear that this operation is doomed until daybreak. I resign myself to an evening of torture and, with the benefit of sunlight the next morning, I’m able to find the alarm. Unearthed from the bottom of a pile of old ping pong paddles and someday yard sale items, the unmuffled sound is eardrum-piercing. It chirps on, merry. Intermittent. Ruthless. I can’t just put it out in the trash barrel; it wouldn’t be fair to the neighbors, and is probably not environmentally responsible, so I google desperately for a customer service number. After I refuse to feed my contact info into yet another insidious database, the nice lady on the phone officially recommends that I “wrap it in a towel or something and maybe if you have a garage, put it out there until the battery dies.” FANTASTIC. (I don’t have a garage).

Could I take it to the fire department? Sparky the Fire Dog would definitely arrest me. Also, I’d have to either drive with that infernal noise in my car, or walk down the street carrying it in ignominy. I ruefully wrap the thing in a towel and leave it outside the back door, wishing it a swift and very painful death.

48 hours pass.

Suddenly the alarm SHRIEKS. LOUDER THAN EVER. PROLONGED SIREN-LIKE WAILS. It’s unconscionable, even wrapped in a towel and outdoors on the far side of the house. I fear Chestertonians showing up with pitchforks, so I google “Can you smash smoke detector with a hammer,” only to learn that even wanton violence might not stop the sound.

I try the 800 number again, and this time I get a much more self-assured weekday customer service professional. I’m a hollow husk of a person by now, so I cave and provide my phone number. I will receive spam calls until the end of time. I start to explain my dilemma, but Call Center Guy interrupts, telling me to slide the switch on the back of the device to “off,” as indicated on the back. Shockingly, I had tried that before I called the first time, because I can read and follow directions. CCG wants the model number, so I tiptoe outside to unwrap the alarm from the towel, which has been providing at least some degree of sound absorption. While I worry about my ears bleeding, CCG continues to ask questions. Finally, without his help, I discover that sliding the switch back into the ON position stops the shrieking. Naturally.

In the blessed quiet, CCG’s tone grows even more contemptuous. He says I need to vacuum the dust out of the device, insultingly (if accurately) insinuating that I haven’t kept up with  my proper monthly maintenance. It dawns on me that he’s trying to tell me how to keep this infernal contraption alive even though it’s clearly no longer trustworthy, and also will possibly lead to murder, or suicide, or both. I explain that I absolutely do not want to restore the unit’s ability to chirp. He says, “if you want to disable the alarm [unspoken: you dumb broad], you have to slide the switch all the way under the tab, but then you won’t be able to use it, ever again” [unspoken: you deserve to die in a fire]. “Awesome,” says I, immediately sliding the tab. CCG continues talking at me. I say “Thank you” and hang up.

So I guess we’re currently in violation of the Maryland law requiring smoke alarms with sealed, 10-year batteries on every level of the home, and we have been for a while now (since the last Bacon Incident, probably). I suppose we’ll need to replace the one I disabled and can’t use ever again. But let’s be honest. We’ll surely end up right back on the same merry-go-round. A system to let people know when smoke detectors need attention is a good idea, and I truly appreciate the good intentions behind it. But now that we see how works in the real world, it could maybe use some adjustment. How about coming up with a system for people who occasionally burn their breakfasts and would sprain a wrist trying to vacuum a device attached to the ceiling?

Maria Wood traveled throughout the country as production and tour manager for award-winning musician David Grover, with whom she co-founded a non-profit organization dedicated to enhancing education and fostering positive social change through music and music-making.  She returned to school mid-career, earning a BA in American Studies and a Certificate in Ethnomusicology from Smith College. More recently, she has written and taught on the meaning and impact of the musical Hamilton, served as Deputy Campaign Manager for congressional candidate Jesse Colvin and was Executive Director of Chestertown RiverArts. She lives in a multigenerational human/feline household in Chestertown. 

The Spy Newspapers may periodically employ the assistance of artificial intelligence (AI) to enhance the clarity and accuracy of our content.

Filed Under: Op-Ed, Opinion

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